An Open Letter From Japan to China

Dear China,

Screw you.

Where do you get off asking for an apology? No, we don't mean what happened during the second Sino-Japanese War or other atrocities during the Second World War. We're truly sorry for that. It was a sin and a crime for which we apologise without reservation. No, we mean our arrest of a Chinese trawler captain.

In case you weren't paying attention, he ran into us. If you chose to be adults about this and treated it like a misunderstanding, we would have sent him on his way and continued our discussion about the Senkaku Islands (or Diaoyu Islands, as you call them) at the UN where you already hold a permanent seat on the security council and have used your clout time and time again to save Iran and North Korea's necks.

But noooooooooooo!

You decided to make a big deal about this. You decided to make us look like the bad guys who hassled some poor skipper and held him against his will while you tried so desperately to free him from our terrible clutches. How did you put it? "I reiterate that what Japan did to the Chinese boat captain in its so-called judicial proceedings were illegal and invalid," Jiang said in a statement posted on the ministry's website. You people ought to know about due process. You even gave him a photo op with his wife and token oneling handing him flowers like he was some guy held in Iran for a couple of years. He even thanked the Party for freeing him! Yeah, like a guy with a fourth-grade education actually wrote a speech like that. How convenient, and by convenient we mean terribly suspect and full of crap. Then you detained four of our citizens who were trying to figure out the best way to clean up the mess we made during the war AND you halted exports of elements we need to make all those fancy gadgets the white guys in the West won't make. Dirty pool, China. Dirty pool (in the sense that it's not fair play, not the filthy conditions under which your citizens live).

In closing, stick your demand for an apology in your ear. Let's be honest- the only reason why you want those islands is because of the resources on them. If this trawler captain lived in one of the decrepit hovels you call apartment buildings, you wouldn't hesitate to kick him and his family out to the curb. His luck that he is used as a pawn for the Party will run out, as it has done for SO many of the suckers your citizens since Mao shoved their rice in his fat, lying yap. If you put as much effort into looking after your own people as you do in being rude to the Koreans, your country might be a First World nation right now.

Yours in Prada,

Japan