An Open Letter From the Human Race to Boko Haram

Dear Boko Haram,

We’re not sure if you can read this or if you will get someone to read this for you. We have no doubt that you will burn a church and kill the attendants therein in retaliation but you would do that anyway so we’re absolved from any responsibility.

We noticed (yet another) threat to the Christian population in Nigeria:

The Boko Haram sect who claimed responsibility of the recent attacks of five churches in the North, killing 100 worshippers including little children, have reveal their motive behind the attacks.

According to a letter by the sect spokesman, Abu Qaqa” “Today Almighty Allah has given us victory against Christian Churches in Kaduna and Zaria which led to the deaths of many Christians and security operatives.

For peace to reign in the land, all Christians must convert to Islam.  Allah has tasked all Muslims in Quran chapter 9 verse 29 to continue to attack Jews and Christians who refused to believe in him and his messenger, Prophet Mohammed”.

Shocked Cat can't believe what you just said.

Well, you can imagine our surprise when we read that!

Let’s parse this bit by bit, just to cover all our bases.

If Allah is the same deity we recognise as God who commanded on high:

Thou shalt not kill

We don’t think He handed you any such “victory”. You just think He did. In fact, we’re pretty certain that wilful murder winds you up in hell and there are no virgins in paradise or whatever pig crap you peddle to easily-fooled, destitute and desperate jihadists. In short, you’re deluded about the Will and Nature of God. Projecting your homicidal fantasies on Him lends the opposite of the militant personality coin - the dyed-in-the-wool atheist- the (figurative) ammunition he wants to deny God’s existence. If we didn’t know any better, we’d say you two were working together.

Furthermore, no one was at war with you (especially not the kids you killed), so that “victory” thing is pretty one-sided. How much strength and courage does it take to kill a grandmother, anyway? And would you do so if she was wrapped up in bacon? Don't think so.

Is war against the non-Muslim promoted? It sure is:

009.029

Y: Fight those who believe not in Allah nor the Last Day, nor hold that forbidden which hath been forbidden by Allah and His Messenger, nor acknowledge the religion of Truth, (even if they are) of the People ofthe Book, until they pay the Jizya with willing submission, and feel themselves subdued.

P: Fight against such of those who have been given the Scripture as believe not in Allah nor the Last Day, and forbid not that which Allah hath forbidden by His messenger, and follow not the Religion of Truth,until they pay the tribute readily, being brought low.

S: Fight those who do not believe in Allah, nor in the latter day, nor do they prohibit what Allah and His Messenger have prohibited, nor follow the religion of truth, out of those who have been given the Book, until they pay the tax in acknowledgment of superiority and they are in a state of subjection.

But just because some pervie in the seventh-century said so doesn’t mean it is so. You have to use the little brain cells there.

You said- and we quote: “For peace to reign in the land, all Christians must convert to Islam.”

Hhhhmmmm….

Are you sure you couldn’t give this tolerance thing a try? It’s pretty sweet, actually. You believe in a chronologically incongruous text written by a seventh war-monger who married a child and the rest of us believe anything but that. Live and let live. Everybody wins, especially the Jews and Christians you hate so much.

It’s not like the ummah is a place where peace is the norm. In fact, every Islamic state is a failed one with high rates of poverty, disease, inbreeding, illiteracy, corruption and incompetence. If all of Nigeria’s Christians and animists were to convert to Islam, do you really think they would be better off? How is being crippled with polio or having acid thrown in your face better than being able to read and write and walk on two functioning legs? Nope, not seeing the logic here.

In conclusion, shove it up your goat holes. You’re a bunch of backward thugs with the mental capacity of a squashed olive. We take that back. Squashed olives are smarter than you. Better behaved and better smelling, too. Science has yet to define what kind of scum you are. 

Most sincerely,

The Rest of the Thinking, Feeling World