Tuesday, November 22, 2011

An Open Letter from China to Michael Moore

Dear Fat American,

Forgive the lack of an honorary title in our address to you as "Michael Moore" is rather difficult to pronounce in Mandarin and - to be blunt- you are what we said you are.

Normally, Japan is the one writing these letters to us about something or another. We're never really sure because don't always read all of them. God, those guys never shut up about stuff!

Anyway, we were trying to find our way around the Great Firewall of China when we came across this:

“This wasn’t a demonstration of 30,000,” Moore said. “This wasn’t a large encampment of 200 tents in Portland. This was just 11 students in a not very well known UC campus. And the images of this have resonated around the world in the same way that the lone young man standing in front of the tanks at Tiananmen Square resonated.

Whoa! Hyperbolic much?! Yeah, we'd say!

Dude, were you ever in Tienanmen Square? Scratch that. Do you even know where China is or have a non-unionised worker of Chinese extraction?

You'd have a lot in common with our late Mao. You both have big girths, big mouths and an incredibly big taste for being raging liars.

Where's our freedom, you fat pig?!

When these dirty, lazy Americans were sprayed, was it with gun fire? How many are dead now? Were they sent to labour camps? Were they not allowed to exercise their rights to free speech in the most annoying manner possible?

If none of these things happened, then this pepper spraying is as iconic as getting a raccoon out of your yard (you know- the really big one in Torch Lake).  WE suffer (ed), not your pampered little fans (the ones you have left) so don't draw parallels between what happened at Tienanmen Square and California to bolster that smelly hippy fest of an Occupy movement. It embarrasses us both.

Some people fade away with grace. Give it a try.

And don't hit the buffet table on your way out.



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